You’re Not That Original Men

There is a growing movement around today of men who consider themselves to be rather original for advocating against marriage. They warn young men that it is a bad bargain and not worth the hassle. But, men, you are not that original. We read this in E. J. Hardy’s book How to Be Happy Though Married,

“To be, or not to be— married? This is one of those questions in reference to which the speculative reason comes to no certain conclusion. Solvitur ambulando. It has nearly distracted some men, whose minds were sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought. They have almost died of indecision, like the donkey between two exactly similar bundles of hay. An individual of this description, who was well known to the writer, after dropping into a letter-pillar a proposal to a young lady, was seen a few moments afterwards endeavouring to extract with a stick the precious document. Failing in his attempt, the wretched mortal walked round and round the pillar, tortured with the recurrence of reasons against matrimony which he had lately argued away. Fortunately for both parties the lady refused the tempting offer.

And yet this hesitating lover was, perhaps, but a type of many young men of the age. Nowadays, it is often said they are giving up matrimony as if it were some silly old habit suited only to their grandfathers and grandmothers. The complaint is an old one. It was brought against pagan youths more than eighteen hundred years ago, and yet the world has got along. But can all the blame be justly thrown upon the one sex to the exclusion of the other? Have thoughtless extravagance and ignorance of household economy on the part of the ladies no share in deterring the men from making so perilous a venture?

It is said that years ago in Burmah the ladies of the Court met in formal parliament to decide what should be done to cure the increasing aversion of young men to marriage. Their decision was a wise one. They altered, by an order from the palace, the style of dress to be worn by all honest women, reduced the ornaments to be assumed by wives to the fewest and simplest possible, and ordained that at a certain age women should withdraw from the frivolities of fashion and of the fashionable world. Success was the result, and young Burmah went up in a body to the altar.”[1]

Hardy notes that in his day, the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries, many young men were avoiding marriage because they saw it as a silly outdated institution. This could have been written 2 weeks ago rather than nearly two centuries ago.[2] And hardy correctly notes that the Greeks and Romans often faced this issue.

Augustus, the first emperor of Rome, famously had to address this issue in his day, because so many men were delaying marriage. Men have often chastened under the expectation of marriage. Young, and not so young, men that are doing this today are nothing new, nothing original, and should not be seen as sages.

I like also that Hardy notes that women should do something about this. He gives an example of how the women in Burma went to their parliament and instead of hectoring young men about marriage, they got a royal decree that encouraged women to be more pleasing to men. As I posted elsewhere, also quoting Hardy,

“In the sphere of home the graces of gentleness, of patience, of generosity, are far more valuable than any personal attractions or mental gifts and accomplishments. They contribute more to happiness and are the source of sympathy and spiritual discernment. For does not the woman who can love see more and understand more than the most intellectual woman who has no heart?”[3]

A woman's high earning power and intellectual ability are more likely to be detriments to most men. At the very least they pale in comparison to affection and softness. Woman would do well to remember this lesson. They could go far with a good man if they did. Women do not become more attractive to most men by making themselves just like men. They become more attractive by highlighting submissiveness and affection, with a soft spirit. Paul told men that they should provide for their families and that women should teach younger women how to manage the home and love their husbands. Hardy’s advice comes straight from the Bible and experience which confirms the Bible.

Of course this does not mean that marriage is not without risks. As Hardy also notes,

“Perhaps the lottery theory of marriage was never stated more strongly or with greater cynicism; but is it true? If it were, to expend care and attention in choosing a wife would be to labour in vain. If, however, marriage is by no means such an affair of chance, a prudent choice may prevent a man from being stung by a snake, and may give him a goodly eel as his marriage portion. The important thing to do is to keep well in mind the fact that a man's prospect of domestic felicity does not depend upon the face, the fortune, or the accomplishments of his wife, but upon her character. The son of Sirach says that he would rather dwell with a lion and a dragon than to keep house with a wicked woman. "He that hath hold of her is as though he held a scorpion. A loud crying woman and a scold shall be sought out to drive away the enemies." On the other hand, "the grace of a wife delighteth her husband, and her discretion will fatten his bones. A silent and loving woman is a gift of the Lord; and there is nothing so much worth as a mind well instructed."[4]

Men are right to be concerned about the character of the woman. But the key is not to avoid marriage. Anything worth doing is usually harder and has a level of risks. The idea is to lower the risks by picking the best option possible. There are a lot of terrible women today. No doubt. But there always have been. They key is to make sure you mitigate the risk by choosing those women who are showing their character by rejecting much of the culture of today. They do exist. I have met many.

But don’t think that avoiding marriage is necessarily the solution to avoiding errors. As Hardy again notes,

“The controversy as to whether celibacy or wedlock be the happier state is a very old one, perhaps as old as what may be called the previous question— whether life itself be worth living. Some people are very ingenious in making themselves miserable, no matter in what condition of life they find themselves; and there are a sufficient number of querulous celibates as well as over-anxious married people in the world to make us see the wisdom of the sage's words: "Whichever you do, whether you marry or abstain, you will repent." If matrimony has more pleasures and celibacy fewer pains, if loving be "a painful thrill, and not to love more painful still," it is impossible exactly to balance the happiness of these two states, containing respectively more pleasure and more pain, and less pleasure and less pain. "If hopes are dupes, fears may be liars."”[5]

When Hardy says that whatever choice your choose you will repent, I take him to mean that no matter what path we choose in life we will often find ourselves on our knees asking for forgiveness from God, because we bring our sin with us where ever we go, whether we are single or not. And as he says some people are experts in making themselves miserable no matter what situation they are in. If this is you then you probably do well not to marry, so that you don’t drag someone else down with you.

Of course, some have tried marriage and failed. I understand why such people would never want to venture into marriage again. But just don’t think that you are doing something novel and new if you are teaching other men to avoid it. There have always been people who have avoided marriage for a host of reasons. Monasteries throughout medieval Europe were filled with men and women who wanted to avoid marriage. They were not there just for that reason of course, but many were. The church even once taught that marriage was a lower state of being, that the truly superior people stayed single. They even have their Bible verses to back this up, though I myself would not see it that way.

Knowing this is true should encourage us that we do not live in some uniquely antimarriage age. There are some generations that honour marriage better than others. But many generations have dishonoured marriage greatly, and yet in all those generations many have managed to not just make it work, but make a good go if it. You could too if you approach it right.

Marriage like any other thing will give back to you what you invest into it. Hence, if you invest well your chances of doing well increase.

List of References

---

[1] E. J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle Locations 314-330). Kindle Edition.

[2] This edition of his book was originally published in 1887.

[3] E. J. Hardy 1887. Kindle Edition

[4] E. J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle Locations 725-733). Kindle Edition.

[5] E. J. Hardy. How to be Happy Though Married: Being a Handbook to Marriage (Kindle Locations 294-299). Kindle Edition.