The Troubles of Marriage

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If you want to hear about the many troubles a man faces heading into marriage today you can find video after video on the YouTube from countless creators and presenters explaining the pitfalls of entering into marriage in the 21st century West. They will make a pretty solid case that the state is against you, because it is in many ways. They will convince you that feminism has corrupted women, the courts and many other aspects of our society, and they are right, it has in large measure. They will also explain to you how much harder it is for a man to support a family today and actually count on coming home to a loyal wife, and they are correct, it is harder for many men in this regard. And they will lay out many other things as well. They will bombard you with facts, stats and anecdotal accounts of situations where men have been decimated by the courts, by women, by society, and they will show you example after example of how degraded the modern woman is.

And my encouragement to you is to simply smile and nod and say, “Don’t tell me the odds.” Because marriage has always been hard, it has always been plagued by the curse of sin, at least since the fall, and you have to recognize to some degree men have always had an uphill battle in this world to succeed in marriage.

I came across this fascinating passage in John Calvin’s commentary on 1 Corinthians 7. Now I am not a Calvinist, but this man still manages to offer great insight from time to time, and this passage really caught my attention:

“What the Lord there pronounces to be evil Paul here declares to be good I answer, that in so far as a wife is a help to her husband, so as to make his life happy, that is in accordance with God's institution; for in the beginning God appointed it so, that the man without the woman was, as it were, but half a man, and felt himself destitute of special and necessary assistance, and the wife is, as it were, the completing of the man. Sin afterwards came in to corrupt that institution of God; for in place of so great a blessing there has been substituted a grievous punishment, so that marriage is the source and occasion of many miseries. Hence, whatever evil or inconvenience there is in marriage, that arises from the corruption of the divine institution. Now, although there are in the meantime some remains still existing of the original blessing, so that a single life is often much more unhappy than the married life; yet, as married persons are involved in many inconveniences, it is with good reason that Paul teaches that it would be good for a man to abstain. In this way, there is no concealment of the troubles that are attendant upon marriage; and yet, in the meantime, there is no countenance given to those profane jests which are commonly in vogue with a view to bring it into discredit, such as the following: that a wife is a necessary evil, and that a wife is one of the greatest evils. For such sayings as these have come from Satan's workshop, and have a direct tendency to brand with disgrace God's holy institution; and farther, to lead men to regard marriage with abhorrence, as though it were a deadly evil and pest[1] (emphasis added).

Translation: marriage was not easy even in Calvin’s day and was “the source and occasion of many miseries…” In fact it was such a source of misery that it was common for men to jest, “that a wife is a necessary evil, and that a wife is one of the greatest evils.” It is very easy for those of us living today to think that our struggles and our complaints are unique and stand on special ground. But nothing could be further from the truth.

Men, and indeed women, since the fall have often experienced great evil and pain in marriage. The exact challenges to having a successful marriage in our day and age may be a little different, but these challenges were no less real in the past.

Calvin wrote in the midst of the Reformation where there were wars and religious tumults all over northern Europe, covering many of the Germanic nations, down into France and Italy, and across the channel in Britain. False prophet after false prophet was leading people astray. Governors and Magistrates were clamping down with an iron hand on religious groups seeking to break away from the state churches. From the peasant’s revolt, to the Debacle at Munster, through to the persecutions and on and up to the wars of Religion in the 17^th century, the chances for a man to live a long and prosperous life with his wife were increasingly slim. Throw in the plagues and famines that accompanied some of these events, and you have challenges to a lasting marriage that make our modern world look tame.

Add on to this the fact that many women in this period died from childbirth, and, as noted, many men died in these wars and religious persecutions. Because of this you have a situation where many women who got married could end up destitute and many men who did so could end up alone through no fault of their own, just because of the cruelty of the world and context of the day. And this does not just apply to their day.

Men complain that they are not valued today. But if you read William Stearns Davis’ A History of France, you will see he notes that during the tyrannical reign of Napoleon in France, the little corporal, as he was nicknamed, used up so much of the young men in France that despite his many victories he managed to turn much of the population against him because of his onerous draft system. These men, in large part, were valued as no more than literal cannon fodder. Yes, they had a chance at war and glory and the fame this could bring, but many just ended up dead, maimed, or otherwise broken. This was the fate of many of the best young men in European history in this period and beyond. The martial nature of the European culture led to war, after war, and many young men never lived long enough to lay with a woman, let alone have a wife and children. And many of those that did often never lived long enough to meet their children, or to raise them. Men have often been treated as an expendable force in this world.

This world has always chewed up and spat out men. Nothing has changed except perhaps the way this happens. But it has always happened. It is a man’s responsibility to be courageous and seek to overcome this, which is why Paul says this, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong” (1 Corinthians 16:13). None of us men are guaranteed to achieve all the things we want in this life. Life can be hard. If in a patriarchal society someone like Calvin can say that marriage is the “source of many miseries”, then of course it will be to in our modern matriarchal society. The question is: can you overcome these challenges? The answer is yes. This should be your focus, and you can do it, if you set your mind to it, and the grace of God is with you.

On the macro level, or the statistical level, many men are going to be chewed up and spat out by this world. On the individual level if you seek to improve yourself, lift weights, be strong, be courageous, be honourable, be assertive in the right ways, and you take initiative in your life with work, church fellowship, and engage with the good women you meet, then you increase your chances of succeeding immeasurably. This is why you don’t want to listen to those who tell you the odds. The odds are done at a population level, but they do not take into account the qualities of men who do well, nor do they take into account your situation and tenacity. Surround yourself with good men, and you should be relatively fine in this area. If you aim up, and allow them to challenge you to aim up, you have far less to worry about, than what some blackpill guy in a video on YouTube says. He will tell you all about how some man has lost everything and is now struggling to face life. But that story is not your story, the statistics are not your story. Your life, your choices, and the things you choose to accept and reject, they are your story.

Men in Calvin’s day faced challenges from marriage. Men in every era have faced challenges in marriage. Men facing challenges in marriage is nothing new today. Imagine living in some of the ancient cultures where a king, or local chief, who was attracted to your wife could come and take her for the night, or take her and keep her. Imagine what it was like being a man living in Eastern Europe along the Eurasian Steppes at really any point before the modern era, where a gang of horse warriors could come through and steal, you, your wife, your kids and then sell you to places across the known world at the time, or worse. Life has always been a challenge, for all people, but especially those who want to do it right. Don’t let people discourage you, find men around you who have succeeded and learn from them.  

If you are surrounded by the kind of men who think like the scoffers who “lead men to regard marriage with abhorrence, as though it were a deadly evil and pest…” Then you know you are in the wrong company. Find better company.

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[1] Calvin, John. Calvin's Complete Bible Commentaries (With Active Table of Contents in Biblical Order) (Kindle Locations 449011-449024).  . Kindle Edition.